Ancient Pacific Northwest Native American folklore describes a legendary tale of fear, deceit, and pairings of delicious food and wine. Legend has it that thousands of years ago, the Pacific Northwest was ruled by a hideous creature that would ravage its coastline and disembowel humans for its own amusement. The creature in question, Mo, is not one that even the bravest of humans wished to encounter.
One day, while stuffing sand dollars in his cargo shorts near modern day Newport Beach, the hero of our story encountered Mo in what would become the first time any mortal would live to talk about it. Jim, our hero, was minding his own business when suddenly a humungous creature emerged from the sea.
COWER BEFORE ME, FRAIL WHITE CREATURE.
Oh fiddle sticks! It’s Mo, the legendary human-disemboweling creature of what will be known as the future modern day Pacific Northwest coastline!
YOUR TIME HAS COME. TAKE THOSE SAND DOLLARS OUT OF YOUR SHORTS AND PREPARE TO BECOME AN HORS D’OEUVRE.
If that’s how it must be, then I accept my fate. Before you eat my pasty ass, may I make one last request?
I ACCEPT, AS LONG AS IT ISN’T ME NOT EATING YOU OR SOMETHING LIKE THAT.
Jim reached into his satchel and pulled out a relatively small bottle compared to Mo’s enormous mass.
I have spent my entire life trying to make the best wines in the world and nobody but myself has tried my latest vintage. I call it the 2008 Willamette Valley Vineyards Pinot Gris
2008? BUT YOU CREATURES HAVEN’T EVEN INVENTED A UNIVERSALLY-RECOGNIZED CALENDAR AT THIS POINT. WHATEVER, BRING FORTH YOUR WINE.
Jim reached back as far as he could and hurled the bottle directly into Mo’s fang-filled mouth. Shortly after, Mo’s complexion turned from one of anger to admiration.
NEVER IN LIFETIME HAVE I IMBIBED SUCH AN ANGELIC BEVERAGE.
You think that’s good? Try it with one of these guys!
Jim reached down into the water, pulled out a dungeness crab that just happened to be chillin on the shore, and projected it straight into her mouth.
THE COMBINATION OF YOUR 2008 WILLAMETTE VALLEY VINEYARDS PINOT GRIS AND CRAB HAS MADE MY MULTIPLE MONSTER HEARTS GROW TWO SIZES BIGGER. BECAUSE OF THIS, I WILL SPARE YOUR LIFE IF YOU AGREE TO THE FOLLOWING TERMS AND CONDITIONS.
Thank you, oh benevolent Mo! I’ll gladly do whatever you say!
FIRST, YOU WILL COMMEMORATE THIS DATE EVERY YEAR FROM NOW UNTIL ETERNITY BY PROVIDING A LARGE FEAST OF CRAB AND YOUR PINOT GRIS IN MY NAME.
Absolutely! I own a beautiful wine tasting facility just over those mountains that can host a large volume of people over a two day period.
PHENOMENAL. IN ADDITION TO CRABS AND YOUR WINE, I DEMAND THAT YOU HIRE A COVER BAND THAT PLAYS THE BEST OF FUTURE MODERN CLASSIC ROCK.
I’m more of a reggae man myself. Does it really have to be classic rock?
SILENCE! YOU WILL HIRE “JT AND THE TOURISTS” AND THEY WILL PLAY AMAZING COVERS OF CLASSIC ROCK HITS. BESIDES, THE MIDDLE-AGED COUGARS WILL LOVE IT.
Cougars? Now you’re speaking my language! What else would you like.
YOU WILL GIVE OUT PRIZES AND RIG IT SO THAT MICHEAL SERAPHIN WINS DINNER OR LUNCH FOR TWO AT A RESTAURANT BEARING MY SAME NAME.
Who is Michael Seraphin and what restaur-
SILENCE! YOU WILL DO IT OR I WILL EAT YOU.
Ok ok fine.
MY NEXT DEMAND IS TO PROVIDE DINERS WITH AMERICAN FLAG-BRANDED MOISTE TOWELETTES.
I don’t know what you’re talking about, but I’ll go ahead and assume the above will be invented sometime in the future.
FINALLY, I DEMAND THAT ALL GUESTS WILL HAVE A FUN TIME AND LOOK FORWARD TO THE FOLLOWING YEAR.
I accept your terms and will begin planning the first Mo’s Crab and Chowder Festival at my vineyard.
OH, AND I HAVE ONE FINAL REQUEST.
CHANGE YOUR PEE-SOAKED PANTS. THAT’S JUST EMBARRASSING.
And that, my friends, is how Mo’s Crab and Chowder Festival hosted by Willamette Valley Vineyards began. For more descriptive versions of what the festival is like, search our archives.
Tune in next week as I explain where babies come from.